360...and 5

I don't look like what I did a year ago. Well, I realize that's not such a big deal, but I've pretty much looked the same, give or take a few pounds, and give (unfortunately not take) a few wrinkles, over the past 17 years (i.e. ever since the great shearing). More importantly, I will probably never look the same ever--and again, by that I don't mean I'll be an aged version, I mean I literally will not look the same. 

 I don't feel the same that I do a year ago. In some ways I am stronger, in some weaker, and--along similar lines as my physical appearance--there isn't going to be any reverting back to what was. The weaknesses will stay and increase, and the strengths...well, let's just be optimistic and say they'll stick around for a while longer. 

 I don't think the way I did a year ago. Part of that is thanks to the little blue pill and the little white pill I now take without fail every day, its tell tale alarm scheduled into every electronic device owned or worn or even just glanced at by me--and by L. (That's how serious it got. That's how serious it is.) 

Mostly, though, I lost my faith entirely in everything right around this time last year, and then had to slog through the next six months trying to redefine it. I hurt a small but very important group of people--and they don't even know, and I hope they never will know, the half of it--but, as the cliche goes, I hurt myself most of all. I'm not quite over doing that, but I'm getting better at taking precautions when I do. 

 (If I were religious, I'd throw in right about now that I broke every commandment but one since a year ago.)

 ***
 None of this is intended to be any kind of soul searching introspection, by the way. If I've learned anything in the past year, it's that acceptance is the hardest thing to do but you certainly don't need to add to the burden with endless whats and whys and hows. To paraphrase the inimitable Leo Getz, I'm not better (or worse) than the froggie I was before--just different.

 Don't Look Back In Anger (cover) - Devendra Banhart