It's weird, how I suddenly realize certain things are never going to happen ever again. I'm never going to say I had a mom-cooked meal. I'll never see my mom in my house. I'm never going to take my mom shopping. I'll never be able to ask her advice. I'll never feel better thinking I can tell her my worries.
She's here, still, in a quite a number of ways, but she's also gone forever, in a lot of ways that mean so much more.
***
My hearts hurts. It literally hurts.
***
I'm letting myself cry twice a day: once in the shower, and once at night when everyone is sleeping.
***
Getting vibes of Ralph McTell, for sure, but someone/something else, too. I'm way past tired to try and figure it out and it really doesn't matter anymore.*
*Update: Warren Zevon, a bit
Pacing The Cage (live) - Bruce Cockburn
Friday, February 5, 2010
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I almost totaled my car yesterday.
I'm a fucking mess.
I don't think I can get through this.
Update: I have to drive back and forth a few times on the turnpike in the next few days, again, including in bad weather (again). I'm still shaken up from yesterday, but I can't say anything because, well, other than my dad and L. , no one knows. L. thinks it's insane that I am not saying anything, and doing it, but what needs to be done and all the coordination and getting people around so we can take turns spending a night at the hospital just isn't doable with car services and taxis.
I don't know what to do. I just know there's a knot in my stomach at the thought of getting back on the damn turnpike again, tomorrow.
I'm a fucking mess.
I don't think I can get through this.
Update: I have to drive back and forth a few times on the turnpike in the next few days, again, including in bad weather (again). I'm still shaken up from yesterday, but I can't say anything because, well, other than my dad and L. , no one knows. L. thinks it's insane that I am not saying anything, and doing it, but what needs to be done and all the coordination and getting people around so we can take turns spending a night at the hospital just isn't doable with car services and taxis.
I don't know what to do. I just know there's a knot in my stomach at the thought of getting back on the damn turnpike again, tomorrow.
Monday, February 1, 2010
As time goes by
Time: Late summer afternoon meeting at a casual location--a cafe, during that in between time of the last of the lunch crowd having left and the early dinner crowd not yet really making an appearance. A reunion after some time gone by, starting out with initial awkwardness, but quickly falling into old familiarity as the reminiscing begins. A drink for old times' sake, but no rush to go on to a second, especially as the conversation slows down. The expected momentary hesitation, while thinking of excuses to prolong the visit and of excuses not to, turns into rushed, half spoken suggestions, ending in self conscious but mutual silent agreement.
Time After Time (cover) - Eva Cassidy
Time: Early evening in a bustling restaurant, squeezing past the 'happy' crowd at the bar to sit at not quite the worst table, which is expected given the short notice decision to come here. Heads coming close together conspiratorially to try to hear each other under the overhead hubbub. A comedy of errors over misheard words , as you laughingly fall back into the intimate shorthand of facial expressions and interpretive hand gestures: a raised eyebrow here, a nod there, upturned hand asking for an opinion. Finally finding the perfect pitch to actually converse, carving out a separate space in between the noise and lights and movement all around that's just for two.
Time After Time (cover) - Tuck and Patti
Time: Very late night into early morning, in another cafe, the sound of last call hanging in the air from quite a while ago. Slowness pervading everything, as things are picked up and cleaned up and put away, closing in and closing out. Easy silence growing longer, driven by a reluctance to break the spell by saying anything. The last few sips of the drinks swirled around, catching the dimmed lights, absent-minded gestures as everything that's been said up to that point replays back in the head. Avoiding looking at each other, now, recognizing a stalemate that can't stay so and needs to be changed, one way or another, and knowing a look can do just that. But maybe not until a few more minutes from now because, really, there's no rush to get to what's a foregone conclusion. Just a few more minutes.
Time After Time (cover) - Cassandra Wilson
Time: Any time before, any time after. Any time when the question comes up: what if.
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Time After Time (cover) - Eva Cassidy
Time: Early evening in a bustling restaurant, squeezing past the 'happy' crowd at the bar to sit at not quite the worst table, which is expected given the short notice decision to come here. Heads coming close together conspiratorially to try to hear each other under the overhead hubbub. A comedy of errors over misheard words , as you laughingly fall back into the intimate shorthand of facial expressions and interpretive hand gestures: a raised eyebrow here, a nod there, upturned hand asking for an opinion. Finally finding the perfect pitch to actually converse, carving out a separate space in between the noise and lights and movement all around that's just for two.
Time After Time (cover) - Tuck and Patti
Time: Very late night into early morning, in another cafe, the sound of last call hanging in the air from quite a while ago. Slowness pervading everything, as things are picked up and cleaned up and put away, closing in and closing out. Easy silence growing longer, driven by a reluctance to break the spell by saying anything. The last few sips of the drinks swirled around, catching the dimmed lights, absent-minded gestures as everything that's been said up to that point replays back in the head. Avoiding looking at each other, now, recognizing a stalemate that can't stay so and needs to be changed, one way or another, and knowing a look can do just that. But maybe not until a few more minutes from now because, really, there's no rush to get to what's a foregone conclusion. Just a few more minutes.
Time After Time (cover) - Cassandra Wilson
Time: Any time before, any time after. Any time when the question comes up: what if.
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
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