Saturday

I would like to spend all day today in bed, wallowing. And I would like to be left alone to do so.

Instead, I will be getting up, getting dressed, forcing food down my throat under a seemingly unconcerned (or maybe this has already got old for him) watchful eye of the person who prepared it, and smile my enthusiasm and thanks. I will continue to exude that enthusiasm, more genuinely, to plan out an exciting day for the kid, which includes his grandfather (my dad). And I will spend the rest of today making sure there are good times, peppered with bright assurances from me to the adults that no, I am fine! (The assurances to the kid that I am having a good time will be genuine when he asks me, because at any of those moments that he does, his excitement is infectious, even if it's just for a minute at a time). I will respond to texts from my sister that we are having a great time! (The exclamation point is necessary in this dance of subterfuge). Then we'll come home, declare the day a good one and do the "see? Life is so much more than just xyz" conversation and try to believe it with varying degrees of success.

It probably will be a good day. I just need to start it, first.

The Biggest Lie - Elliott Smith