Outing

We've spent almost of this weekend's waking hours outside of the house--more than any weekend that I can remember in a long time-- hanging out in a couple of awesome towns and parks and beaches, all a fair distance (about an hour) from home (but all within walking distance to each other, more than making up for the drive time to and from). Lots of fresh air and plenty of outdoors activities and really, really good, local food (a key factor in any all day outing, of course!).

No cares about anything waiting for us or on us. No quiet worries about the possibility of something happening. No one we really needed to call or check up on, every so often

That's probably why, at the end of it and in retrospect*, a weekend that by all definitions has been a pretty happy one with my family is making me sadder than ever. Not just because of the circumstances that made it so...easy for us to do what we did, but also a bit because it seemed so novel, this idea of having a nice time, for no reason except that it just was, naturally and with no agenda. A couple of times I felt as if I'd stepped into someone else's life.**

*The good news is I wasn't morose or anything during any of it as it was happening and didn't even have to try at a game face, except for a fleeting moment or two, here or there. The bad news is...it's not getting easier when I'm having to deal with the reality of it again, later, when I'm by myself. It's harder, so much harder and far worse than I could have imagined it to be. I'm not okay by a long shot, even though most everyone thinks I am. Or would like to think I am. Or I would like to let them think I am.

**I remember the feeling well, though; I felt the same way for a long time (and still do, on occasion), when we were past the worst of the issues with J.'s feeding issues and could actually go out for a couple of hours--or, gasp, more!--at a time, without having to be bound by the constraints and limitations of his mealtimes and all that it entailed to help him eat and keep his meals down, which were almost all only possible at home.

I have to say, I'm getting to be a pro at handling unshed tears without anyone being the wiser. Who the hell needs Visine to get that starry eyed look, right?

***
The kid has been on a Madonna kick the last week or two, so most of this weekend's drive time was spent listening to True Blue and Who's That Girl, his "favorite" Madonna albums. Given that he only really knows these two albums so far ( in the context of albums; he knows and likes other songs of hers like Holiday, Borderline, and This Used To Be My Playground, for example), I'm taking the favorite distinction with a grain of salt right now. (Although, I can't say I disagree with him.)

These two songs got demands for encores more than the others.


Live To Tell - Madonna



Causing A Commotion - Madonna
I did not have to explain to the kid what commotion meant. He's known the meaning since well before turning four, and has used it correctly on many an occasion, in reference to himself.



Time to go out again. It's too nice an evening.