The worst of all the different ways that it hits me, all over again, is when I suddenly feel the complete irrevocable permanence of what's happened suffuse me so strongly, that I feel paralyzed at the idea of being forced to acknowledge it. Because I know, with a terrible yet almost calm sense of certainty, I will go mad if I do.

***

Everyone keeps commenting on how strong I've been, "just like your mother".

I don't want to be just like my mother. I just want my mother.