It takes more than two to tango

I have a secret desire. Well, two, if you want to be exact. Ever since we lived in Spain, I have wanted to learn how dance the flamenco properly (no, I did not get lessons while we lived there. Yes, my sister did. No, of course I'm not bitter that she got to do it because she was older and my mom thought it would be a good stress release from her studies for the Bacc. I'm no more bitter about that than I was about her going to LiveAid and seeing that fantastic performance by Queen.) So, anyway, flamenco. Desire to learn. Check.

More than the flamenco, though? I want--I mean, I really, really, REALLY want--to some day learn to properly tango.

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I enjoy random dance scenes in movies. Even more, I like movies that are primarily about dance or have dancing as a main plot point. I'm also fairly lax about my standards when it comes to dancing in movies.

Not when it comes to the tango, though. I don't know why, but nothing infuriates me like a poorly executed or, worse, shammed up tango. So here, in summary, are my dos and don'ts of the tango's representation in movies, if you wish to be spared the pain of bad ones and enjoy the good (and even great) ones. Or, at the very least, if you want to know which movie(s) to never watch with me, so's not to have to listen to me talk back at the screen. Loudly and angrily.

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First let's get these two pretenders out of the way. The majority of my peer age group (and some above or below) will, if pressed, recall either one of these--or, horrors, both--as a fine example, if not the shining example, of the tango in a film. Why? No, I mean, really, why? Why would anyone think that? All you have here is the impression of what the filmmaker thinks the tango is about--a blatant exhibition of sex and and attraction, of dominance and submission--through facial expressions and sharp exhalations and a few fast turns and sudden dips. Notice how the camera never really stays fully panned out for more than a few seconds, to show any actual real steps (a few leg entwines and drags are *not* exactly footwork to brag home about). I'm not a professional dancer but I have to believe real dancers do the same sort of dismissive eye-rolling, watching these scenes, that I do every time I watch a scene with someone playing the piano through excessive shoulder shrugs and much unbalanced lifting of the arms and wrists. It's annoying and it's insulting.

Tango from Scent Of A Woman
Yes, Gabrielle Anwar is very pretty and has a beautiful back. Still, that's no excuse.




Tango from True Lies




I suppose you could say Arnold and Tia did a tad bit better that Sean and Kim. But, let's face it, if your tango's emotion is in either case mostly based on what's happening from waist up? You are better off with a Sean/Kim combo than the other. Because, really, there's no contest when Sean Connery is in the mix. Especially if it comes to doing something overtly badly. Especially with the advantage of the Scottish brogue thrown in.

Tango from Never Say Never Again




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Another favorite trick of filmmakers, when using the tango, is to up the ante on the whole sexual overtone (which, you know, if the tango is done right, is supposed to be almost incidental and private in display than deliberate and blatant--what I mean is, I've always thought a tango was a dance that was not a public show for the people watching but a personal exchange for the people dancing it. That the underlying sense of voyeurism wasn't a result of it being purposely presented but rather self-absorbedly available.)

I need to learn how to avoid long sidebars.

Anyway, what better way to do so (we were talking about upping the ante on the sexual overtone, in case you got lost back there) than by pairing same sex partners? Especially female same sex partners? It worked for me in Indochine. It didn't in Frieda. Because in Indochine the dance isn't a display of sexual tension between the characters, it's a display of tension--including sexual--in general and that is so much more provoking than the flaunting in Frieda.

Well, that and Catherine Deneuve oozes more hotness in arching a brow than most women do in baring their entire body.

Tango from Frieda




Tango from Indochine



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Ah, musicals. By its very nature, a musical will have dance numbers and so it's not surprising that some of those will invariably turn out to be tango numbers. In fact, almost all will actually refer to the tango in the title of the number, so you are not confused. Which you well might be, say, if you were watching this:

Cell Block Tango (from the movie version of the musical Chicago)




Now, I admit I am a fan of musicals. I'm even a bigger fan of Rent. And while I appreciate what they did in the movie to make it truly more of a dance number, the reason I was able to accept this as a plausible tango scene on stage was because it was intended to be a metaphor for the relationship between Maureen and Mark, and Maureen and Joanne, and Joanne and Mark, and Maureen and whoever caught her fancy next, and it should've been left at that in the film version, too, without being causing us to be so visually hit over the head by it. Still, Traci Thom is too cute to pass up. So watch.

The Tango Maureen (from the movie version of the musical Rent)




Interestingly enough, this tango was never in the original movie, but rather in the stage musical version based on the movie. Shame, though, because I think it would've been marvelous to have had Julie Andrews and Lesley-Anne Warren perform this for the movie. (Lesley-Anne Warren has one of the single most amusingly delivered one-liners in that movie, by the way.)

The Tango! (from the stage version of the musical Victor, Victoria!)



It should come as no surprise to anyone, though, that I adore this particular tango above all those every done in any musical, stage or film. Adore may not be an accurate a description, but I wish to maintain some modicum of dignity when it comes to this movie.

El Tango De Roxane (from the movie Moulin Rouge)



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So, by now you're wondering, is there anything she really likes? Why, yes. Yes, I do. Without further ado, feast your eyes on these:

Tango from Assassination Tango
I know, he's not exactly tearing up the dance floor. He's not even doing much. But...it's just that I get a sense that he actually enjoys it--and gets it--with whatever little dancing he is doing. Because he is doing it.
(And, yes, I have a soft spot for him. How can you not for Boo?)



Tango from Tango Bar
It's Raul Julia. Enough said. Find it. Watch it.




Tangos from Tango, No Me Dejes Nunca (also just known as Tango)
When you're good? When you're very, very good? You can just reference the dance by itself in the title, assured of your own success, and drop the qualifier when being distributed to a larger audience.




Tango from The Tango Lesson
The scene says it all. That it's partly autobiographical adds that extra level of personal touch that is so particular to the tango.



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Finally, you should probably watch the one that start it all:

Tango from The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse



Updated to add:
I forgot to mention that when I do finally learn how to do the tango? I want my first real proper dance to be to this:

The Masochism Tango - Tom Lehrer