Because I am in no mood for depression.
Sometimes I wish to god I was the kind person who went out of her way to seek compliments and accolades, instead of having an almost pathological aversion to them. Then, on a day like this-- when I feel as if I have done nothing with my life, don't know anything of value, have no accomplishment and feel (no, make that know) as if everyone else is so much more smarter and sharper and successful than I am--I could fall back on those stored up praises and pamper myself a little.
It could also help assuage the ugly pangs of deep envy I feel at times towards anyone who seems, at least on the surface, not to have any care other than the usual mundane ones of everyday life and who appear to have all the time and--more importantly--all the mental freedom to indulge in things beyond that very mundane. I'm probably most envious of my old self, of the person I was back when I was one of the very people whose lightheartedness I now covet.
If only I was stupid or was unaware of the fact that I am actually intelligent and capable. If only I didn't know of my own potential (god, how I loathe that word) and its being limited or--worse, yet--my limiting it. It would make my disappointment in myself so much easier to bear. Possibly because I wouldn't know enough to be disappointment in myself.
Jesus, this definitely is midlife crisis because otherwise it's sounding more and more like a regression to my teenage years.
***
So a day late on POW. I suppose I should be glad I have any at all. Bonjour tristesse, indeed.
Bonjour Tristesse - Juliette Greco
P.S. Great movie, by the way, with the inimitable David Niven, the divine Deborah Kerr and last, but most definitely not least, Jean Seberg (see her also in Au Bout de Souffle. It's hard to watch her, though, and not be reminded of the tragic circumstances of her own life...)
